It's been a little while since I last wrote. Life got busy...
Moving on, however, I hope to have some more free time in the near future (if I can manage to not re-overload myself).
One of the most recent things that has gone on with me is that I've decided to pursue full-time ministry. The funny thing is that I actually decided this back in the fall of 2010 when I changed my major from Biology to Philosophy and Religious studies. At that point, I was all gung ho that I would work in a church and spend my life serving the Kingdom of God. Needless to say, I got side tracked. And as I started to learn that there were seemingly infinite possibilities for my future, I started to think that maybe I could figure this thing out ('cause that's worked out for me before...).
My control-freak mindset wanted to figure out where I would serve and how I would serve and where I would live and the kind of money I would make and the kind of life my family could live and the list goes on and on and somewhere in it all, I kind of stopped listening for God's direction. My first love was always music ministry; it's actually what I first felt called to do. Being a part of music ministry teams since the age of 12 has created a constant in my life; even the times when I was off partying away my mind and not being the person I knew I needed to be, my hypocrisy was worth it because it was the music that was my link to God. My one way back. That is how big a role music ministry played in my life and it's what I knew God wanted me to devote my life to. Now the reality is that I'll likely never get rich off of music ministry, but that's ok because that isn't why I love it.
So, part 2 to why I've been bouncing around from "real job" to "real job" goes something like this:
I got scared.
It's really as simple as that. Fear told me that I'd not be good at it, I was under qualified and should find a "real job" to provide for my family while I do worship ministry part-time. I think that this plan could work for some people, but I also know what I was called to do and that is to sell out.
So, as of late, I've been looking for that full-time position that God has for me somewhere. I have no idea what that will look like and its really kind of exciting to wait and see, but I still struggle.
I'm kind of a melancholy person naturally, so pessimism is only ever a stone's throw away. I often struggle with my imperfections, my lack of righteousness and wonder if I'm ever really going to be "qualified" (by my standards of course) to lead God's people in any capacity. ...this is fear talking again.....
I am encouraged by people in the Bible like Moses who made up excuse after excuse to not follow his calling and Jonah who turned tail and ran (and that worked out for him too...after a while). See, I know that I am lacking a lot, but I believe I'm called for a purpose. I read once that, in regards to ministry, "the moment you think you're qualified, you most definitely are not". Now, the reality is you need some basics (understanding of theology, scripture, in my case music, etc.) but I think what the author was getting at is the idea that when we can be "good enough" or have enough experience "under our belts", then and only then we can do the thing God has for us. This is just ridiculous.
If there is something that God has for you (and me) to do, we're to be faithful and pursue it and trust that his Spirit will give us words to speak when we need them and guidance when we need it and reprimand when we need it. This is living by faith and not by sight.
So, I'm looking for a place to serve and dealing with a very selfish, insecure person who lives in my mirror.
I hope that you too will look for what God has built you to do. It's a life-long struggle and a day-to-day decision to do so, but it's so worth it.
Thanks for reading. and if you could spare a prayer for me, I'd really appreciate it.